Evidence versus Experience Continued

“All my life I was trying to improve myself. It wasn’t until my mother told me I was pudgy when I took a turn for the worse. It’s not that my mother didn’t accept me, but it was only in my mind that I wasn’t perfect.” She didn’t commit herself to athletics or try to make healthy food choices, but instead she suppressed her caloric intake. When she realized that this was an extreme challenge, she turned to the drug methamphetamine. She said, “I used to shoot drugs to stay skinny, they would naturally suppress my appetite. I found pleasure when I would see the bones jutting out of my body. I saw beautiful because I was in total control. I felt so beautiful, so beautiful…you have no idea. Everybody else had to eat to survive; I could do without it.”

But I soon learned that this beauty she saw was the furthest from confidence. She said, “It’s a weakness. You’re not confident because you’re only holding on to the false illusion of confidence through your control of weight. When in fact inside, you’re starving and crying for love. And I’m telling you, you cure it with self-love. You don’t cure it by finding others to love you.”

So my next question is where did this self-love come from? Every situation is different she said. “Most people have to go to rehab for years, but to be honest…they are usually never cured. People aren’t doing it the correct way. It is those practices that involve biology, psychology, and nutrition that will succeed. You can’t just send an anorexic to a psychologist and expect them to get better, they won’t.”

I asked her about herself…what is it that makes her recovery process different then the typical anorexic? She said no one would believe her if she told them, but it was a great yogi teacher that guided her to strength.

As the interview wrapped up, I came to understand why she engaged in the process. She did it because it felt good. “There is something that releases chemicals in the brain when you have an empty stomach. There is a euphoria when you are in the starving phase. “ There is something that really drives anorexia…it is biological and psychological. Psychologically, you are in control and you feel like you are on top of the world. When you can control your eating, you have actually mastered one of the four primitive fountains of life. Everyone needs to eat, and if you can control this, you can control your whole life."